Kenner’s Star Wars toys

Oh childhood. How many of us lament for the days past, yearning to go back and recreate a time where things like rent, mortgages, or employment weren’t even a consideration. A time before puberty when girls seemed weird and masturbation wasn’t the only pastime we enjoyed. Wait, this only applies to the boys out there reading this – for that I apologize to any female readers.

Moving on, this is a post about old Star Wars toys. Lately I’ve been on a big Star Wars kick. I haven’t watched the film again and I probably won’t but after my friend Justin posted an old PSA where C-3PO catches R2-D2 smoking a cigarette (click here for that post) I can’t stop looking for old Star Wars spots. Today I found a bunch of old commercials for Kenner’s line of Star Wars toys. Below are my favorites.

Here is an old commercial for Boba Fett’s ship: Slave 1

I was too young for this (I wasn’t even born yet) but here’s a commercial for the Star Wars Early Bird Special. Supposedly you bought this thing at the toy store and sent in a card to receive your figures in the mail. I love how they made people pay money at a toy store, pay for a stamp, and then wait for up to four months for the figures to arrive. What a jip.

Anthony Daniels (C-3PO) is the biggest Star Wars whore out there. I swear that guy would sell crack if George Lucas gave him a paycheck for it. Here is a commercial urging parents to purchase Star Wars toys for their children.

Here’s a prime example of how the play sets created for the commercials don’t look anything like the ones I or my friends made in real life. We had our imaginations; they had set designers.

Here is a commercial introducing Kenner’s Empire Strikes Back toy line. Once again, Anthony Daniels proves he’ll sell anything for a quick buck.

Why do Ewoks suck? It’s possible this commercial has the answer.

Did Jabba the Hutt kill Sy Snoodles at the end of this commercial? What the hell?

I love how these two dorky kids are playing with their Ewok Village play set at a family gathering. Notice the parents hanging out in the background.

What did these lackluster commercials teach us as children? I’m not sure but reliving my past is both fun and depressing. I used to have many of these toys and looking at them now I feel cheated. After all, they were poorly crafted pieces of plastic, fashioned by poor children in Taiwan or some other third world nation and eventually bought by my family because I was a Star Wars nerd. Nowadays people pay large sums of money for these shitty hunks of plastic because they want to revisit their past; I’d rather just watch the abysmal commercials on Youtube and move on with my day. Hope you had fun looking at how Kenner and George Lucas marketed these hunks of trash to children back during the Carter and Reagan administrations.

3 responses to “Kenner’s Star Wars toys

  1. Encrazed Crafts

    Still looks better than Jar-Jar…

  2. Pingback: Kenner's Star Wars toys | Abortions For All | Rare Toys

  3. Anything is better than Jar-Jar. I’m thankful there weren’t a line of shitty commercials featuring that abomination. =)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s