Coming Soon to an Overpriced Theater Near You


I’ve been to a few summer movies and run the gamut between bored and excited (I liked Rise of the Planet of the Apes). But one of the things I enjoy is watching the trailers, seeing what’s coming out next. The trailers attached to this summer’s films have been pretty funny and I figured it’s time to give my two cents on a handful of them.

Footloose

Does Footloose really need a makeover? I like the movie as a child and even had the soundtrack on cassette but that doesn’t necessitate a 21st century rendition. Plus, it’s been modernized with the latest in Step Up style dancing.

Most times MTV is involved in a film you know it’s bad; after all, they’re the music network which rarely features music. In addition, I don’t remember any explosions in the Kevin Bacon version yet this remake features an exploding bus, an attempted suicide (I don’t remember if that happens in the original), and Dennis Quaid – I think I’ll pass. I don’t think Quaid every really bounced back from his awful role as Mike Brody in Jaws 3-D.

Contagion

This movie looks extremely creepy, especially for a hypochondriac like myself. Contagion sports a large cast (and a few Oscar winners) but in a time of economic uncertainty and paranoia will people flock to movie theaters to see it? I think I’ll pass, not because it doesn’t look entertaining, but because I’d rather not spend two hours in a dark room with strangers watching a film about communicable diseases.

Real Steel

I’m a sucker for good science fiction but Real Steel doesn’t look like its good science fiction. Here’s another Hugh Jackman stinker, ripping off Robot Jocks, and selling stupidity to bovine Americans. I’d suggest this CGI robot fest if you’re an idiot or six years old.

Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol

I’m really proud of Hollywood for finally making a high-budget blockbuster exclusively for America’s homosexual population – it took long enough. Almost every Hollywood movie is made for heterosexual and kudos to Tom Cruise and everybody else involved.

The Amazing Spiderman

It only took them half a decade to re-launch the Spider Man franchise. Why? Everybody knows Spider Man III was awful but let it rest a little while. I doubt I’ll see this piece of shit and I suggest you don’t either. However, you have 11 months before it hits theaters to make up your mind.

And that’s my first trailer review. I’d like to thank the good folks at my local movie theater for placing advertisements before the trailers and the trailers themselves for being so banal. Most everything I’ve seen before my feature presentation this summer looks terrible (except that Justin Timberlake time movie which could be good if Justin Timberlake wasn’t in it).

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