Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

Below is a conversation between my girlfriend and I after watching Justin Bieber: Never Say Never last night. The viewing started as a joke. I said I wanted to watch the Bieber doc and my girlfriend just ordered it, saying you shouldn’t joke about what you want. It’s bizarre but I really enjoyed it; it was like peeking into the life of a premature, white, Canadian Michael Jackson. Here is the conversation.

Girlfriend: So Foucault, we’ve just wrapped up the mind-blowing spectacle of Canadian bumpkin-turned-homeboy Justin Bieber.  I’m not yet a single mother, but I know how I’m going to bankroll my Ferrari.  For such a charming young man, he’d do well to pull up his pants, no?

Me: I think the pants are part of the gimmick, where almost every song demonstrates what a wonderful boyfriend he’ll be. He crotch thrusts, pointing to various girls in the crowd constantly – he’s selling the idea of sexuality without sex. It’s hand holding, possibly under the shirt but over the skirt sexuality. I will admit that narcissistic little twerp gained respect for his drumming ability but that’s about it. I also think he has A.D.D.

Girlfriend: Speaking of teen sexuality, I liked the part where Miley Cyrus tried to upstage him in that gynecological little black number.   It felt a little “wrong” when Bieber clutched Miley’s waist—like a Spring Breaker making a move on the “mature” cocktail waitress.  So which part of this transcendent chronicle of the teen sensation’s heroic journey moved you the most?

Me: The hair. I also enjoyed seeing how much goes into making Bieber fever possible. Aside from the road crew, that kid has dozens of people working for him. This is not a fly-by-night little venture – it’s a full blown all in one variety show, starring the Biebs. However, the songs are just terrible little pop farts and I just laugh at how insipid they are. What’s really interesting is how that lifestyle (with yelling tweens chasing you down, driving from one city to the next, selling out a tour in a few hours) changes somebody. I personally doubt the Justin Bieber we saw in the film is genuine. What do you think?

Girlfriend: I think the real Justin Bieber has a secret chamber lined with the skeletons of decapitated cats and judges child beauty pageants for the “fresh ass.”  No, but really, he’s squeaky clean.  I kind of want to put a cigarette in his mouth and hand him a vodka rocks.  I can’t wait until his difficult transition period in the spotlight.  He should consult Miley—she got a dream-catcher tattoo!  Very classy, like her daddy.

Me: A dream-catcher? What the fuck is she? A Native American?

Personally I can’t wait for Bieber’s unhinged phase; it should be a real treat. In the film Bieber’s handlers say they like an underdog story but I can’t wait for the downward spiral. American’s love that shit – just look at the Casey Anthony trial. I’m also concerned Biebs’ descent into darkness will actually be a trip into manufactured rebellion, complete with a Avril-esq Clash shirt and an unlit, unfiltered cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I think Bieber fever is turning into pneumonia.

Girlfriend: His next flick can focus on his coke habit: Always Say Always.

Me: One can only hope he’ll end up on a supermarket tabloid with white powder on his nose and a heroin addicted prostitute licking his hairless nuts. By the way: do you think he’s still a virgin or has he banged a “Less Lonely Girl” in each of the 86 towns he’s played in?

Girlfriend: Hopefully he’ll learn from Britney Spears and shut the hell up about his virginity.  Since he’s a guy, he’ll have it easier.  I’m betting on blurry cell phone pics of body shots in Ibiza as his first big scandal.  I think he should get ballsier, though.  Maybe he could dump Selena Gomez for Sharon Stone, or do a Lars Von Trier movie.  Anything to get us past this Truth or Dare at Gymboree nonsense.

Here is the trailer

10 responses to “Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

  1. the biber ster, cool.

  2. I think we had a pretty good discussion regarding this ‘little rat bastard’ ourselves.

    “Also, like your previous commenter said, “why does a 16 year old need a biopic?” What does it say? I think I can sum up his life in less than a paragraph:

    His parents fucked and 6-9 months later a little rat bastard came out. He learned to walk, talk, and all the other thing moronic children do and eventually became a pop singer. Now he’s rich and has a bunch of shitty records and a 3-D movie.”
    Foucalt – 07/03/2011


    • I remember writing that and I still stand by it but I did enjoy the shitty 3-D movie (in 2-D). My girlfriend’s idea of a joke, based on a brief quip by yours truly, led to this. It was an hour and 45 minutes of silly and I got into it. However, I don’t think it was enjoyable because I like the Biebs; I think it’s the spectacle of something I can’t relate to on any level except being human and residing in America.

      A friend of mine is obsessed with the culture surrounding the Insane Clown Posse. There’s a festival in Illinois this summer called The Meeting of the Jugalos –an event specifically designed for ICP devotees (the Juggalo). I think it’s like watching a bad movie combined with a sociology experiment and it sounds like fun for about five hours. Unfortunately, it’s a few hundred dollars, over 1,000 miles away, and filled with white trash and confused suburban teenagers. If only we could get press passes…

      By the way, thanks for the links from your old new post today. =)

      • No worries man. I’m lending my ‘skills’ to another place as well as my own. I’ll throw a couple of my old pieces up there along with some new stuff. But it’s hard enough getting around to writing stuff for my own blog never mind another one.

    • I’ve been writing less lately also but not because I want to; I’m just busy working all the time (at least since I got back to the States). I finally have some free time and I have an article about the TNA PPV last night coming in the next hour or two (WOOHOO!!!). I’m also writing a small thing about the new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is incredible. It’s the first time Curb has made me laugh out loud in over three seasons.

      By the way, look at the comment from “True Beiliber” for this article. It’s incredible but I’m not 100% sure it’s from somebody actually suffering from Bieber Fever. I’m on the case though and I’m looking for the culprit tenaciously.

  3. True Beleiber

    Yu r all jus jelose, Beleibers no he is famus cuz hez wise n cut n u jus wish u wer like him.Hez frenz wif Usher u idiot!!!! who r u frenz wif zz top?they suk… duhhh. Beleibers c da reel Justin n he iz betiful n da face n soul. I m 43 n i wood fuk da shit out dat kid whu wud fuk u? not justin Beiber. Miley Cyrus iz also famusn bettern u! how u LIKE ME NOW? sined A TRUE BELEIBER un like u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Let’s begin with a translation of your atrocious writing:

      “You are just jealous. Bieber is famous because he is wise and cut; you just wish you were like him. He is friends with Usher, you idiot!!!! Who are you friends with – ZZ Top? They suck…duh. Beleibers see the real Justin (I’m assuming Timberlake) and he is beautiful in both the face and the soul. I am 43 and I would fuck the shit out of that kid – who would you fuck? Not Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus is also famous and better than you. How do you like me now?”
      A True Beleiber (unlike you)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      First: Anonymity displays real courage.

      Second: is this somebody I actually know pulling a joke? I don’t doubt there are people out there with such terrible writing skills but come on! This stupidity is too well crafted to be genuine. Then again, maybe I’m wrong and this is a true “Beleiber” – unlike me.

      I am not friends with ZZ Top but they have their moments. I am also amazed you made it through 43 years without learning to write. Are you in the custodial arts or possibly the wonderful, fast paced world of expedient food service? It’s possible you’re a customer service expert at the local Wal-Mart or Piggly Wiggly, as all the previously mentioned occupations only require a thorough understanding of such enlightening tales as Danny and the Dinosaur, the Where’s Waldo series, and Everybody Poops. I also have a sinking suspicion you had difficulty with the latter. =)

      I, and my co-conspirator for this article/post/whatever you’d like to call it, both enjoyed Never Say Never, but because it’s like a sociological and cultural experiment and not because it’s a quality piece of storytelling. Like any media geared towards the mainstream market, Never Say Never is a well crafted piece of visual entertainment but that doesn’t mean it’s art. It’s more like Bieber propaganda, spreading the good word about the latest pop sensation from The Great White North.

      Again, I think this is a prank from somebody I know. However, if you are serious – and this post is sincere – I’d suggest picking up a remedial writing workbook from your local bookseller. I’m sure Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or any other major chain carries a variety of wonderful tools, possibly filled with brilliant full color pictures. I don’t say this because I feel superior to you (ok, maybe a little) but if your comment reflects your writing level you could seriously use some assistance.

      And if you’re thinking I’m an asshole: you’re right. Did you read any of my other posts? I’m pretty critical of film and television, ripping on a variety of works. However, don’t read this as cynicism – I’m actually quite fond of the titles I discuss. In short (too late), I liked Never Say Never and found it fascinating; I just think Bieber’s music is garbage. He is an excellent drummer (especially because of his age) and that earns him some credibility.

      Also, please define and expand upon how Bieber and Cyrus are “bettern” me. I would love to read your thesis on this. I don’t doubt your claim but I’d like to see you back it up, possibly with a graph, diagram, or any reliable sources (I accept MLA and APA formats for citations).

  4. i love justinbiber will u marry me im 20

  5. No. You’re too young. Now stop texting me all the time. I’ve changed my phone number twice, Ally. People, she left a dead cat on my doorstep, claiming it was a token of her love for me. Don’t you know I love cats?!?!?

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